With as much time as I spend in the kitchen, it was only a matter of time before I could come up with a list of things NOT to do:
1. After searing your roast for Sunday dinner, don't leave the hot plate on High for the duration of all three hours of church meetings. You'll panic the family.
2. If you're going to leave the broiler on High for over two hours (without anything in the oven), wait more than two days after you've left the hot plate on High. If you don't, people will question your ability to think on your own.
3. When making gravy, don't use more cornstarch than meat drippings. Your gravy will taste like glue and won't pour. It will simply "plop" onto the counter in the shape of the pan it was cooked in. If you are determined to make gravy this way, please don't invite your friends over for roast and mashed potatoes, only to serve them gravy that is more solid than the potatoes they're eating it with.
4. If you are toasting nuts, broiling croutons, or roasting "crunchies" for chinese coleslaw, don't do anything else! You will be tempted to stir the pot or chop the veggies, but you must remain vigilant! You might get away with not burning your food the first few times, but sooner or later, you WILL blacken those nuts or smolder the croutons. Unfortunately, once the trend has begun, it's very hard to get back on the Non-Black Track.
Unfortunately, there's more...I just ran out of time.
1. After searing your roast for Sunday dinner, don't leave the hot plate on High for the duration of all three hours of church meetings. You'll panic the family.
2. If you're going to leave the broiler on High for over two hours (without anything in the oven), wait more than two days after you've left the hot plate on High. If you don't, people will question your ability to think on your own.
3. When making gravy, don't use more cornstarch than meat drippings. Your gravy will taste like glue and won't pour. It will simply "plop" onto the counter in the shape of the pan it was cooked in. If you are determined to make gravy this way, please don't invite your friends over for roast and mashed potatoes, only to serve them gravy that is more solid than the potatoes they're eating it with.
4. If you are toasting nuts, broiling croutons, or roasting "crunchies" for chinese coleslaw, don't do anything else! You will be tempted to stir the pot or chop the veggies, but you must remain vigilant! You might get away with not burning your food the first few times, but sooner or later, you WILL blacken those nuts or smolder the croutons. Unfortunately, once the trend has begun, it's very hard to get back on the Non-Black Track.
Unfortunately, there's more...I just ran out of time.
5 comments:
That is Laugh out Loud Funny!! I laugh the hardest about your gravy...that is awful - awfully funny that is! Love it.
Hilarious, Carillisa! Or, at least it would be if it didn't all sound so terribly, terribly familiar. I'm not going to talk about the potato chowder I made the other night that Ellis generously said tasted like it had been cooked at a campout with a "smokey" (i.e. burned) flavor.
I'll really laugh if you tell me you're on a first name basis with the fire department.
Man, that was fuh-nee. Just the pick me up I needed.
I had a whole list of my own ready to post, but my computer erased it. Good times.
HA! LOL LOL! If I wasn't your mother and taught you how to burn chinese coleslaw I would still be laughing. However, you guys laughed at me everytime I did it....so OK LOL.
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